Hello friends and users! As you all know, we at Twitter HQ are so, so truly thankful for all of your thoughtful feedback over the years. We love our users, and we never stop trying our best to make Twitter a safe and fun place for your thoughts.
With that in mind, we could not be more thrilled to announce our latest update, which we believe addresses users’ largest issues with Twitter.
That’s right: the bird logo now has long legs.
Over the last few years, we have been tirelessly reading your comments and listening to your criticism. And folks? We heard you. Loud. And. Clear.
You said you wanted us to find thoughtful ways to end abuse on the site: we made the bird have long legs. You said hate speech and harassment has turned your timeline into an ulcer-inducing nightmare: we gave the bird legs and made them long as hell. You said the president’s tweets could truly push America headfirst into a war: we took a long look at our blue tweet bird logo and we threw some huge-ass gams on that little guy.
You had complaints, we have a solution: bird legs.
At Twitter, we’ve been heads down on giving this bird the biggest legs possible since November. We’ve had hundreds of people cracking this thing for months: marketing experts figuring out how long is too long in terms of bird legs, engineers building complex algorithms to determine where the knees should go and how big the bird’s feet should be, sales folks working around the clock to keep the lights on in the meantime — we’ve covered all of our bases.
And, quite frankly, we’re just freaking psyched to be able to sit back for a bit and see all of you enjoy what we’ve created!
Look, we aren’t ignorant of our site’s other issues. There’s a burgeoning white nationalist community using Twitter to repeatedly plan and execute targeted harassment. Duh! We know. To that issue, we say this: look at the stems on this freaking bird! Hell yeah!
Look at the stems on this freaking bird! Hell yeah!
Trust us, we know what you’re thinking. “When will I be able to see the blue bird with the big freaking legs on my page?” Your enthusiasm never ceases to inspire us, and we are delighted to be able to tell you that we have given the long-legged bird to a small group of users as a something of a beta test. We’re hoping that the birds with the long legs can be rolled out site-wide in the next few weeks.
Still confused? Well, here’s what’s going to change for you, our valued user: everywhere there’s usually a little blue bird on our website, there will now be a little blue bird with some big friggin’ poles comin’ out of him. Take a look:
Oh, and don’t think we forgot to mention: we put some eyes and arms on there too, because we appreciate your business and we want to keep you happy.
Now, we’re well aware that this update won’t please everybody. Some users are resistant to change, others don’t like birds. Those are the only two groups of users we’re willing to think about right now, because what everyone else wants is too hard.
We understand that after years of using Twitter, there may be an emotional attachment to the bird with no legs — we felt it, too. But we’ve been testing the bird legs for months, and have seen the power of how much good it can do, and knew that we had to pull the trigger on giving the bird insanely long legs. In time, we hope you’ll feel the same way. Also, remember when the bird had hair? What the hell was that? This is way better than the bird with hair.
At Twitter, our work is never finished — we’re going to continue updating our site to give users the best experience possible; whether it’s streaming a few NFL games sometimes, giving the bird legs, or even, down the line, throwing a second Twitter Moments tab up there on the dock. Who knows! Whatever happens, please never ever stop tweeting, we need you all so much.
Thanks for reading Mashable Humor: original comedy every day. Or most days. We’re people, just like you, and we’re trying our best.