If you haven’t heard the news about Dunkin’ Donuts, please, sit down and grab a doughnut. This is gonna be a tough one.
America’s most popular donut chain is reportedly considering rebranding and changing its name, according to Nation’s Restaurants News. The company wants to move away from its complicated donut associations and refocus on coffee.
America’s donuts are under attack. Is there anyone out there brave enough to stand up for the fatty treats of the world?
The chain apparently will be trying out its new name — Dunkin’ — at one of its California locations. Other names are also under consideration, according to a mysterious tipster who may or may not be a random friend who DM’d me these names while drunk.
Here are just a few names that could be adopted:
1. Drispy Dreme
Drispy Dreme has nothing to do with Krispy Kreme, the donut chain that some donut pundits argue has technically better donuts.
Dunkin’ can’t live solely off the breakfast crowd, so they’re trying to cater to he flush after-hours BDSM community.
3. Dunkirk Donuts
The company is considering a marketing tie-in with Christopher Nolan’s bleak war drama.
4. Dunkin’ Donuts and Clean Bathrooms
Forget Starbucks. Dunkin’ Donuts has some of the cleanest bathrooms out there, which, trust me, you’ll need after you try any one of their “paninis.”
Think coffee meets highway strip club.
6. Turdunkin’ Donuts
In lieu of Turducken turkey, consider Turdunkin’ Donuts — the soy-based vegetarian alternative to the traditional Dunkin’ menu. Also, we advise you not to look up Turdunkin’ on Urban Dictionary if you are under the age of 13.
7. Dunkin’ Donuts and Covfefe
They’re more than just donuts: they’re donuts and coffee and an anti-Trump resistance brand.
8. Pumkin’ Spice Donuts
All you monsters ever want is pumpkin spice so all you monsters will ever get is pumpkin spice.
9. Not Starbucks
Man, screw those guys.
Please, Dunkin’ Donuts, if you’re listening: American doesn’t want Dunkin’. It wants Dunkin’ donuts.
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